i'm unclear as to what to title this post.

As I sit to write this post, I don't really have a specific direction I'm heading.  Maybe just a general one.
I post every month the happenings of our kids.  How big Rylee is, what she likes, what she dislikes.  Sweet things Caden is doing.
It dawned on me when I posted her 5 month update that I never post like I used to.  The raw, honest, unashamed truth of this parenting gig.  I'll admit, when I go back and read old posts from when Caden was a baby, I nearly cringe.  I was harsh, sarcastic to a fault.  It's almost painful to read my words.  I came across so unthankful and completely devoid of all joy.  How sad.
And now, in an even more difficult season, I'm finding it somewhat easier to be joyful and find the good in these long, stressful days.
Don't get me wrong, most afternoons are quite awful.  Like yesterday.  Typically between 4:00 p.m. and 5:30 p.m. when Brent arrives home, I question my sanity.  The first half of our day, actually through afternoon nap time, about 2:30-3:00 things are good.  Our mornings are usually filled with an activity.  Rylee takes a decent morning nap (45 minutes).  And I've been pretty successful lately getting them both down at the same time for an afternoon nap.  These quiet moments are sacred to me.  It's my Bible study time.  My work out time.  MY TIME.  I've waited almost 6 months for synchronized naps.
But then we all start to get a little tired.  Tired of each other maybe.  Ready for daddy to swoop in and rescue us.  Sis is usually getting tired again but she fights nap so hard core during this time.  She's tired so playing with toys is not acceptable.  But she won't let me help her get to sleep.  I often lay her in her bed to cry for awhile.  Knowing she won't get herself to sleep, but hoping she'll wear herself out enough to then allow me to assist her in the falling asleep.  This never actually works, she just gets more mad.  I feel all the guilt for not being able to play with Caden (though he seems totally fine.  He plays great by himself.)
Yesterday I could take no more.  My back ached from bouncing.  I needed caffeine but I'm not drinking any.  I NEEDED Brent home like 30 minutes prior.  I just had to sit R on the floor amidst her toys and tell Caden to sit and play with her PLEASE.

And do you know what?  He did.  He played better than I could have in that moment.  He even put that little reindeer hat on her and we all laughed.  I wiped my stressed out tears off and pulled myself together.  Deep breaths and short, honest prayers.  "Lord I can't do this on my own.  I'm weak.  I need your strength."

These days are ha-ard.  I won't feel guilty for admitting this or thinking it throughout the day.  

But I have never, in all my 30 years of life (blehh I'm so old), relied so heavily on the Lord to carry me through.  My bones are weak.  My mind is mush.  I'm tired of being inside.  The sky is dreary.  Our days are mundane.  As I read this morning through the book of John, I was reading about the Crucifixion and Resurrection and it hit me:  Jesus walked with the disciples.  And yeah, that's pretty cool.  But He walks here with me too.  AND even better than that:  we have the Holy Spirit to help us out, too.  

I've got alotta Power on my side.  I don't know about you, but that is so refreshing and freeing.  I CAN'T get through these hard days alone.  But I don't have to!  He picks me up every afternoon when I'm so weary and worn down.  He holds my hand.  He assures me that guilt I'm feeling has no place here.  AIN'T NO PLACE HERE FOR GUILT, MAMAS!  

And guess what?  As I've said so many times before, this.is.a.season.  So so short in the big picture.  R is 6 months old next week.  Half way through the hardest year (in my opinion).  

Maybe I was meant to write this for just one other mama who needs to hear it:  YOU CAN DO THIS (fist bump emoji).  You're right though, you can't do it alone.  Let your knees hit the floor in utter surrender and admit your weakness.  That's when His Power is alive in us.

Oh and today is Friday (double fist bump emoji)

4 months. And 5 months.

Well I'm only a couple weeks behind, but we're still within the month so I count it as a win.
Rylee Joy is 4 months (and a couple weeks).  We are enjoying her more and more every day.  I still can't get over the connection she and her big brother have.  It is so much fun to watch.
B and I were just discussing last night that when R (sis) is napping during the day and we're playing one-on-one with Caden, he never complains or gets upset when she wakes up and we have to get her. He is usually the first one into the room to see her and says "good morning sis!  I missed you."
And on some of the extremely rare days when she naps for a couple hours, he'll say "can we get sis up?  I want to see her."  To which I lovingly reply "ain't no way, son"

Speaking of the sweetness between those two, Caden had show-and-tell at his preschool last week and decided the night before he would be bringing Rylee as his "item."  At first I wanted to push back and say no.  Sure, it was sweet in theory but I was certain he didn't mean it.  I assumed by the morning he would change his mind and want to bring some Ninja Turtle paraphernalia.  But he stuck by his decision and I showed up at the end of class with sis+Bumbo seat.  He proudly showed her off in the middle of the rug.

 He had a difficult time sitting still on his bottom, all he wanted to do was hug her and show her everything in his classroom.  To say my heart was a puddle would have been a complete understatement.

Here is what the chunky lady has been up to:

*Car trips are getting SLIGHTLY better.  We can usually get to a destination without any crying.  But on our way home or if we have to make multiple stops, she tends to lose it.  Brother does a pretty good job of keeping her entertained in the back seat with songs+toys.

*We're still trying to figure out her reflux meds.  A couple weeks ago, right before she turned 4 months, we had a HORRIBLE weekend.  No sleep, lots of spit up, and it seemed her reflux symptoms were all coming back.  This was a major bummer because prior to that, we were in a good place with the Prevacid.  After several calls to her Dr. and the GI office, we realized there was a major mix up with her weight when she initially went to the GI around 3 months (they had her weighing over 16 pounds, an over 2 pound increase in less than a couple weeks).  We realized the mix up when she went in for a weight check at her Dr. and she had "lost" weight and was down to 15 pounds.  I knew this was accurate because if you've seen the girl, she ain't losin' weight.  The girl packs on new rolls every day.  Anyway, we couldn't go up in dosage for the Prevacid because of where she was at, so they switched her to Pepcid.  We did that for a week with very little improvement.  Now she is doing Prevacid in the morning and Pepcid in the evening.  She seems a little better but I don't feel like we're all the way there.  And maybe we never will be.  She's always rocking the Amber teething necklace because girlfriend loves to GNAW on everything.  

*Night time sleep is no where close to through the night, though on average she's up once to feed and goes back to sleep until about 6a.m. when she eats again.

*She loves any toy with a face.  

*Has recently started liking sitting in her exersaucer.  She gets a little overwhelmed sometimes but overall loves everything to look at.

*Still won't take a bottle.  She doesn't gag anymore but mostly just plays with it instead of actually drinking from it.

*Her eyes disappear and her face lights up when she smiles her wide open, gummy mouth smile.  It melts us.

**5 MONTHS**

no surprise here.  i'm just now posting about months four AND five.  my "me" time is so dang precious these days it's hard to get motivated to write a blog post during that time.  

so i'll keep this part short and sweet. 

not much new since month 4.  still sweet, and chubby, and cute.  still active as can be.  trying to keep up with brother, for sure.  still not sleeping great at night.  up every 3-4 hours.  had her first real cold around christmas:  super congested nose, little cough.  we treated it with the nose frida, a humidifier, and essential oils (breathe+lavender mostly).  still on reflux meds.  still my little peanut.