i'm worn.

as a mom, i'm in a tough season right now.
C is in FULL BLOWN toddler mode e'rry day.
it takes him at least an hour every night to fall asleep.  and this isn't counting bath time and reading books.
he's needy.  that's an obvious statement, i mean he's a child.  of course he's needy.
but i mean he is NEE-DY.
"mama help" "mama up" "mama play" "mama stuck" "MAMAMAMAMA"

and i'm more than happy to help him with something, i'm not all like "no son, i will not help you put that block in the box.  you figure it out."
no, i help.  but as soon as i sit down on the couch for a break he's all "mama up mama up MAMA UP"
and he throws fits for absolutely no reason.  like when i won't let him flush the toilet while i'm still taking care of business.  maybe it's just me and i'm fussy but i don't enjoy having the toilet suck everything down while i'm still on board.

but for the most part, i can deal with all the drama that comes out of his mouth during the day.  most of it i even laugh about because it's so ludicrous.
but the bedtime junk.
it wears.me.out.
i mean it is my breaking point.

i know i've blogged about this before so i'm not here to beat a dead horse.  i'm just here to AGAIN tell you how terribly weary i am in the evening.  he is NEVER quiet before 9p.m. which means from about 7:00 or 7:30 when we start bath, i'm getting virtually nothing done.  and that's not taking into consideration dinner that just happened a few hours prior.
he still INSISTS on being rocked at night.  not during nap {explain that to me, please}
so i rock him for a few minutes to settle him down after reading books.
at this point i'm mostly just rocking myself to sleep.
i put him in his bed while still awake and it's at that moment he thinks the world is straight up ending.
so i let him scream for a few minutes {like 5, that's about all i can take because it's so loud i can't just sit there and be like "oh this is fun i can watch the bachelorette while he cries himself to sleep.  i'm so relaxed right now"  no, that doesn't happen.} and i rub his back and sweaty hair because he's so worked up.
i don't even know why i'm typing all this out.

you get it.  it sucks.  and i cry.  because my once fabulous sleeper is now fighting his biggest fight ever.
and i don't have any fight left.
i'm worn.
and the lyrics to this song say it better than i ever could:

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

oh and this part too:

My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes
{tenth avenue north "worn"}

i'm.so.tired.
i'm not looking for answers.  it's a season.  i get that.  and i have a helpful husband in the evening.  so i'm not flying solo during all this.  but unless mama goes in to help settle him down, it's useless.
i'm also not looking to be all "woe is me. pray for me. my life is so crappy."
i'm blessed.  and i trust that all those reading this know me well enough to know i love my child.
i'm not sure what i want.  this season to be over?  maybe.  probably.  but i don't want my babe to grow too fast either.
i guess i want to learn to love the good with the bad.  because i LOVE the good.  i love the stuff he says.  he's hilarious.  and so much fun to do things with.  and he says things like "howdy parpar" for howdy partner and "cows eat grass" just as a statement of fact.

that's all.
sorry for being a debbie downer.  i'm really not trying to be negative. 
xoxo,
tired mama.

white done right

you could say i have a "thing" for white when it comes to furniture in the home.
there's just something about the crispness and cleanliness of it that makes me happy.
i remember i was recently watching an episode of house hunters and the couple walked into the gorgeous kitchen with lovely white cabinets and said "ew i don't like the white cabinets" and i thought "hello you're crazy.  those babies are beautiful."
i don't hide my love for all things white.  when we were deciding on baby furniture before C was born, i just knew it had to be white.  our bedrooms have hardwood floors+old wood trim around the doors and windows so doing more dark wood just didn't feel right.

disregard clutter and messiness.  just focus on the white furniture, plez.
our kitch has white cabinets and there isn't a piece of me that ever wants to change that.

all we've ever done to our kitchen since we've lived here is add that dishwasher {we paid someone to do it} and painted the walls gray.  they were tan, like the rest of our house.  but i have this sick obsession with gray+white.

oh and we added the upper cabinets on the right because there was nothing there.  and i don't have a pantry.
now let's shift gears and talk about the bathroom.
you can imagine how i feel about our bathroom:

vom.com
it's all we've got.  1 bathroom.  and it's ugly.
i haven't even showed you the worst part yet.
wait for it.

oh heeyyyy hollywood!
i'm sorry if you have these lights in your bathroom and you like them.
i do not.
i also affectionately refer to them as boob lights.
so scroll back up to the picture of the vanity and let me tell you my vision:
sand the wood and paint it white.
i have no idea how to do this, but i'm sure pinterest will walk me through it.
then i want to replace the vanity top with something a little less....scalloped.
then i want to get a different mirror.
followed by a NEW LIGHT FIXTURE.  you just can't fix boob lights.  they gotta go.

here's the wall above the potty seat.
i'd like to add a shelf or 2 for storing pretty things.  like the peony flowers i just clipped from our back yard.
also, that basket on the back of the toilet has got to go.

what you'll see happening here is my child trying to shut me in the bathroom and turn the lights out.

that's ok son, i have a flash on my phone!
anyway, i'd like to put a picture of something nice and bathroom-y on that wall.  when i say a picture of something bathroom-y, i don't mean poop.  i mean something like a flower or a clock but cuter than that clock.
you know what i mean.
oh, and paint the walls gray.  i forgot to mention that and it's sort of the whole basis.
gray walls, white vanity.  you see how much cleaner+crisper this will make our 1 tiny bathroom?
me too.
now help me convince B this NEEDS to happen like tomorrow.

expectations.

my eyes were opened today to the fact that i set expectations for special events/holidays and then i just let myself down.
maybe you do the same thing and know exactly what i'm talking about.
if you don't, let me explain how it works for me:
this morning i kept my ear plugs in {because you know, B snores} and stayed in bed after the boys got up.
i'm unable to sleep in, but i did just lay for awhile and peacefully woke up as opposed to the norm where i abruptly wake and stumble into C's room.

i noticed B had closed our door when he got up and several thoughts ran through my head:
1.  they must be doing things out there they don't want me to hear/see in regards to mother's day.
2.  maybe they went to get donuts down the street
3.  i bet when they were at the store together yesterday, they bought some pillsbury cinnamon rolls to bake in the morning and they were working on that

see?  expectations.
so i took my ear plugs out, fully expecting to hear silence as i was sure the boys were out getting the donuts.
instead, i heard them in the living room playing.
and i didn't smell cinnamon rolls.

now, all would have been fine if i would have walked out, greeted my boys and went about our lovely day.
of course i did not.
i voiced my expectations and disappointments.  because i'm a b like that.

that's the problem with expectations.  we set them too high and we get disappointed and, more importantly, we end up hurting the people we love because we say things as a result of the expectations.
because if i'm honest, the day was great.  B let me do anything i wanted to do.
C gave me hugs and even let us get some pictures taken.

we all went to church+target.
i got my last half price frapp from starbucks.
we grilled out for dinner.
and i plan on enjoying some choco covered strawberries+a straw-ber-ita after C is asleep.
i feel bad for having the expectations i had today.

i don't want to keep doing that.

wouldn't life be so much better if we let go and stopped trying to control??  less hurt and more joy.

 

and no, it's not father's day.  but i thought these guys needed a picture together too.  since i wouldn't even be a mom without the little one, and i couldn't do any of the things i do without the bigger one {that wasn't a fat joke, B}.  seriously though, C makes me wanna cry in the corner some days and even tonight during dinner he had a royal breakdown on the floor because i wouldn't let him eat veggie straws.  and B didn't cook me cinnamon rolls this morning.  what a meanie.  but these guys light up my world.  B supports my photography  biz and is my biggest fan.  and C, well, he just loves his mama and that's enough for me.  

hope all you mamas had great days.  and i hope you didn't set high expectations like me!

{maybe next year i'll learn...}

pesto is the besto.

for some reason i'm on a pesto kick in the kitchen.
i randomly bought a jar of it at the store a couple weeks ago and yesterday when i was figuring out what to do with the chicken i was thawing, i remembered that jar of pesto+the recipe i had pinned awhile ago.
{recipe can be found here}
you guys.  it was the bomb.com
i literally kept saying to B "omg isn't this so good?"  "mmm that flavor is delicious"
i took his lack of response as a good sign as he couldn't even talk it was so good {orrr he thinks i'm nuts.  also possible}
so THEN, i'm scrolling through my food board on pinterest and i found this other pesto chicken recipe i will most definitely be trying next week.
{here she is}
there is just something i absolutely love about cooking with pesto.
perhaps my next en devour will be homemade pesto??  dare i be so adventurous?
in keeping with the homemade theme, there are two items i will absolutely not buy at the store anymore unless i HAVE to.
1.  pasta sauce
2.  salsa
after making them homemade and tasting the difference i just can't go back.
also, i'll be trying out homemade tortilla chips very soon.  i made hard taco shells this week out of tortilla shells and they were SO.GOOD.

so, to summarize, i love food.
and now i'm hungry.
happy friday, my babies.

let's make some money off these good looks.

i know that every mom out there thinks she has the cutest kid ever.
i'm no exception.
i think my kid is literally the cutest thing i've ever seen.
usually we bum around in sweats/jammies all day.
but yesterday i put him in an actual "outfit" and i thought it was just too cute to not photograph
{shirt from old navy.  shorts from h&m.  and of course his toms}

the hat wasn't originally part of the ensemble and it only lasted on his head for about 5 minutes.  he's not a fan of hats.

   my little model.  someone please call h&m or gap.

#reasonsmysoniscrying: there was AN ant on the ground.  i'm not kidding.  we dada has some work to do this summer.

he's currently ob-sessed with his sand box.  it's the only thing he wants to play with/in while outside.

i cringe every time he plants his butt in the sand but i can't blame him for wanting his bare piggies in there.  it's pretty relaxing to dig your toes in sand.

what is not relaxing:  realizing he just ate some sand.  also, sand in his ears.  and all over his butt.  and sand on my kitchen floor. 

i have a feeling it's going to be a sand-filled summer.  i just wish we had some ocean to go with our sand.

the difference

in my mind, there is a difference between the tired you experience when you have a newborn, and the tired you experience with a toddler.
the toddler tired is tolerable {on tuesday...just thought we should keep with the "t" theme}.
when C was a newborn, i feared the night.
i'm not kidding.  i would literally dread when the sun started to go down because i never knew what would happen.  i didn't know if he'd be wide awake for 3 hours or screaming or if he'd sleep like a champ.  i didn't know how any of it worked because it was all new and uncharted territory.
sure, it sucks to be up from 10:30-1:00 in the middle of the night.  and i don't know if he'll wake up again at 4:00a.m.
but i am sure that if all else fails, i can let him cry in his crib with no guilt.  because he's two now.
and during the day, as i said before, life goes on.  he has to be entertained so the coffee gets consumed and mama pretends to be a dinosaur.

 i am so thankful for the season we're in.  even though this is a sleepless season, it's a joy-filled one.
i love to hear the things that come out of his mouth:
"papa blue" (my dad.  because he drives a blue truck.  B's dad drives a red truck, so naturally he is papa red)
"no ants!"
"mama play"
"tank you, mama"
he says a million others and it's so much fun to watch him learning. 

 even if this sleepless phase lasts all summer, i'm still very much looking forward to all the exploring+learning we'll get to do together. 

oh, and he's a fan of the post-nap cookie. 
we're two peas in a pod.