we are having a girl. <---this statement doesn't even seem real.

this is the post where i tell you all i'm JUSTSOEXCITEDBECAUSEWE'REHAVINGABABY

GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!

and this is true.  we are excited.  but i'm honestly a little terrified.  i know i'm a girl, so raising a girl should be cake, yes?  i feel like the answer is no.

let me back up.

when we found out we were pregnant this time around, i was basically on my knees in prayer for a little girl.  my mom told me she had been praying for years that i would have a little girl.  i think when you have a relationship like i do with my mother, you just naturally want to re-create that with a daughter of your own.

and so i even remember one night laying in bed unable to sleep (the theme of my life lately) with tears in my eyes praying for a girl so that i could pour into her like my mom did to me.

and then something changed.

i think it was peace.  i was suddenly at peace with whatever we were going to have.  

there was a time at the beginning and even before we were pregnant when i thought i would have a moment of feeling disappointed if we found out we were having another boy.  i knowwww what a terrible thought to have.  but i DESPERATELY wanted my little girl.

but then my perspective changed.  and i realized how fun it would be for caden to have a brother to grow up with.  someone to dig in the mud with trucks and crash his cars (toy cars, of course). 

we've done the boy thing.  i know how to potty train a boy.  it isn't easy but we're figuring out life with a toddler boy. 

you know what this is sounding like, right?  remember how i've talked, in length, before about my fear of change?  maybe that's what this was.  i'm already pretty freaked out about our family dynamic changing drastically, but another boy would make the change seem a little less daunting.  and i could bust out some of c's old baby clothes.

or maybe it was just that the Lord truly was giving me peace.  telling me that it didn't really matter.  boy or girl.  this baby is coming.  and we're going to love it, obviously.  we'll figure out life with a wild 3 year old and a newborn.  

so monday came and we decided not to find out the gender at the doctor.  i wanted this time to be more special.  i wanted to include caden in the finding out.  

so i took the gender pictures, sealed in an envelope (NO I DID NOT PEEK), to a friend who made some delicious cupcakes with the colored filling in the middle. 

my parents came over and we Facetimed in with B's sister and brother-in-law (who happen to be having a baby girl in may).

we let caden tear into the first cupcake.  it was a disaster.  chocolate frosting everywhere.  we were all waiting with such anticipation and it seemed to take him forever to get to the middle.

finally i caught a glimpse of what i thought was pink.

and it was.

pink in the middle.

a baby girl.

my baby girl.

the one i'd prayed so hard for.

the one i feel so guilty for ever NOT being excited about.

the truth is, i was sad for caden.  it may not be the case, but she'll likely be "the annoying younger sister" who gets into his stuff.

they won't be close in age.  3 1/2 years apart.

i spent time in prayer yesterday and realized i was obsessing WAAAY too much about their relationship.  about the sibling dynamic.  we haven't even met her yet!  we haven't even seen caden as a big brother yet!

i need to be praying over each of our children separately.  that they'll each grow to love Jesus.  

of course i want them to be close and love each other.  and i'll pray for that too.

but my focus shouldn't be on whether they'll get along or not.  of course they won't.  they'll be siblings!  they'll fight and argue and tattle on each other.  i would expect nothing less.

but my prayer is that B and i can create a home where the love of Jesus is shown first and foremost. 

you guys, we're having a baby girl.

and i'm still processing this.  and working on being filled with joy about this.

she's healthy.  she's growing.  and she's going to have the best big brother ever.  who will teach her all about farts and poop.  it just warms my heart.

now let's get real.  I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT BABY GIRLS.  i learned how to take care of a healing circumcision and how to not get sprayed by pee during diaper changes.  girls are easier....right?  and let's not forget that surely SURELY the good Lord won't bless us with another high maintenance child.....

i need about 9 more months to prepare.

party time

well we survived the 3rd birthday party.

i tend to stress myself out when planning a party.  not because i want every little detail to be perfect, but more because i want to make sure we have enough food (all good parties revolve around the food, yes?), make sure the house is spotless.  i make a new to-do list every hour and each time i re-make the list i re-organize the order of things to be done.
friday and saturday (yesterday) i was just plain exhausted.  this was the first party i've planned while pregnant.
and the worst part, was at the end of the day when it was finally time to crash in the bed, i couldn't even lay in my most desired position: on my belly.
but enough of my whining.  let's get to the party!
i made the cake friday and iced/decorated yesterday.  it's nothing fancy but i really enjoy making cake from scratch and decorating it.
also, in case you don't pick up on it, the theme was "cars" as in the movie.  several times after we had decided on this theme, caden tried to switch it on me.  he wanted angry birds and something else i can't remember.  maybe next year, son.

we were surrounded by our wonderful families and the weather was just perfect.  i was so grateful brent was able to grill the meat outside so we had one less thing going on inside the house.

the birthday boy gave my cake TWO thumbs up.  though i think anything with sugar and icing is bound to get a thumbs up from this kid.

my wonderful sister in law, affectionately known to most as "aunt b" is pregnant with our newest little niece.  it's so great to be pregnant with her and share our lack of sleep woes and discuss which skinny maternity jeans are best (old navy, by the way).  she and her hubby "uncle jimmy" are tremendous blessings in our lives.  

sidenote: i was getting something from the basement a little before the party started and as i walked up the steps i saw my mom in the kitchen wearing the same chambray shirt, unbuttoned, and the same gray toms.  i told her to go change but she wouldn't.  i sure love this lady and everything she does to help us out.  

caden got a lot of great stuff.  a new thomas train set from his cousins, light sabers, a little table+chairs for his play room, TONS of great summer clothes.  but, without a doubt, his favorite was the fart gun from the movie despicable me.  he would not let that thing out of his hand all.day.

yes, it's annoying.  yes, it's obnoxious.  yes, i want to destroy it/return it to the store/take out the batteries (no we did not get this for him).  but, the joy that even this ridiculous fart gun brings him is just too sweet.  

caden and his papa red.  oh, and the fart gun of course.  if you wanted a smiling picture of caden, the fart gun had to be present.

caden and gur gur ra ra (that's grandma rhonda.  we don't know where he comes up with these names).  yes, the fart gun is still in his grip.  always.

these birthday parties, more than anything else, serve as a reminder to brent and i.  beyond all the stress i make for myself, and all the dozens of to-do lists and too much food, we are so very blessed.  i'm overwhelmed by how many people come to love on our little guy and celebrate his life.  i can take for granted his joy and his laugh because i see it every day.  but nights like last night remind me how precious he is.  and how unique God has created him.  we truly have a special boy to raise while he's on loan to us here.  

last night, after all the party-goers had gone and his bath water was filling up, he just requested some pretzels, milk and daniel tiger.  oh and he wanted his jeans off, of course.  

trust me, i'm just as surprised as you are that the fart gun is not in this picture.  i probably hid it for a brief 5 minters of fartlessness.

happy 3rd birthday, monkey.  may this be the best year of your little life yet.

making room for 2: part 1

i don't know what in the world we're doing over here you guys.
we have a 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom bungalow style house.  1200 square feet.
overall, we love this house.  i love the kitchen.  we plan on ripping up carpet and refinishing hardwoods this spring.
but in case you just glazed over it, there are TWO bedrooms.  and there are about to be four humans living in this house in 5 months.  plus one lazy grumpy cat.
we thought about moving and we thought about staying put.
we've landed on staying put for at least 2 more years.
which means we're putting two kiddos in one room.
before you get all judge-y judgerson on me, i KNOW it's been done a million times before.  i KNOW people have even put three kids in one room.  I'M AWARE.
the fact still remains that it terrifies me and makes me slightly claustrophobic.
i never claim to be non-dramatic.
so last night caden's new "big boy" bed finally got delivered.  this was our original attempt at getting everything to fit.
it's like a puzzle:

this set up was nice.  everything seemed to fit and didn't look weird or awkward.
the crib used to be on the wall where the twin bed was now.
the dresser used to be where the crib was now.
we got rid of the rocking chair.
downside: caden was sleeping right by the window.
sleeping went pretty well last night.  he got up pretty early though which i attributed to the sun coming in directly by his face.
nap was the last straw.
45 minutes in length after i wore him out at the park.
he complained about it being too bright.  so i took matters into my own hands and drug furniture around into the only other possible scenario:

i do not like the cluster happening in this corner.

so that's where we're at for tonight's slumber.
brent thinks i'm crazy and should have left things the way they were.
i'm not very good at leaving things alone.
this is just the start of making more room for a new little person.
next up: closet space+kitchen cabinets.

we now have a three year old.

caden wanted to give you all a little update about himself now that he's 3.

and for the record, when asked how old he is by someone at the store or church, he responds "i'm 3.  but it's not my birthday anymore.  it's charlie's (his friend from church)"

nothing is simple with this kid.  the answers i give to his 5902843598 questions every day are never enough.  

the other day we were swinging in papa's basement (thank goodness for that swing this winter).  i was asking him questions about some of the bible stories we read in his bible and after a few seconds of silence, he said "let's keep talkin' about jesus mommy."

this baby-turned-little-boy-overnight blows me away daily.

yesterday we were outside getting ready to take a walk around the neighborhood and some neighbor girls were across the street playing.  they waved at us and caden waved back and said, "they're wavin' at us because we're cool."  and i said "that's probably true buddy, we are pretty cool" and he said "and because of my orange pants and blue coat."

i can't believe this same kid that we used to have to bounce on an exercise ball just so he would fall asleep for 30 minutes is the same kid wearing big boy underwear, talking in full sentences, playing with super heroes and saying the alphabet like a champ. 

he's almost always oozing with joy and squinty-eyed smiles.

he prefers to be as close to naked as possible.  

i imagine he'll try to skinny dipping often this summer.  and i imagine i'll be so pregnant and sweaty i'll just let it happen.  sorry neighbors.

this is our last summer together before he starts preschool in the fall and before baby #2 enters our world.  i plan on soaking up every minute i can with this ball of energy.

as always, i'm eternally grateful to the Lord for blessing our lives with caden levi.  

even though he tells me he doesn't like my kisses and wipes them off every.single.time.

too bad kid, my kisses are aplenty.