You want me to put WHAT on my hoots??

Yes, that is a cabbage leaf. And it's currently taking up residence in my bra. Before you judge and laugh let me explain. The pain I've been experiencing in my hoots is probably equal to what it feels like after boob implants (unfortunately the end product is NOT the same). Almost everything I read talked about the magic powers of cabbage leaves. Obviously at first I thought "that's absurd and weird" HOWEVER after suffering in silence (ok let's be honest I whined like a friggin baby) and some coaxing from Sarah (I believe her words were "ladee i will shake you. put some damn cabbage leaves in your bra asap" that's what friends are for) I ran off to Schnucks last night to buy a head of cabbage. Then after a few more informational texts from Sar who just assumes I'm a mermaid and know how to wear a leaf bra, I shoved those puppies in there and waited for their magic to start working. IF YOU READ NOTHING ELSE, READ THIS: THEY WORKED. If ever you are going to let your milks dry up, stuff your bra with cabbage leaves. Yes it's weird. Yes you'll smell like you rubbed a salad all over yourself (better than poop which I had all over my shirt today while I ran to babies r us and didn't realize until I got back into the car to go home. Amazeballs). But trust me friends, as someone who tries every trick for every minor or major episode in my life, cabbage leaves work. I wish I would've tried these like 2 days ago when I could hardly lift my child.

Well I have to run, gotta go change my cabbage leaves.

If you think someone smells like a salad, assume they're letting their hoots dry up. Or that they don't shower. Whatev.

Also, don't ask me WHY cabbage leaves work. I don't ask to see behind the curtain, I just care that it works.